Thursday, May 18, 2006

Jack Bauer Tip List

My favorites in red:

  1. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  2. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  3. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  4. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  5. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  6. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  7. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  9. If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re screwed.
  10. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  11. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  12. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
  13. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  14. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
  15. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
  16. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  17. As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
  18. While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
  19. Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
  20. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  21. Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  22. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  23. Every time Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
  24. If Jack’s staring at someone and his eye twitches, it is reasonable to assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
  25. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer [snip] hates lemonade.
  26. David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
  27. Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
  28. When Jack Bauer asks, “Who are you working for?” it’s rhetorical. He knows who you’re working for. And he’s already killed them, too.
  29. Jack Bauer’s cell phone never dies because only Jack Bauer decides when his cell phone can die.
  30. Jack Bauer demands commercial breaks. Otherwise terrorists die too quickly.
  31. Jack Bauer doesn't get haircuts. He commands his hair to recede.
  32. Guns don't kill people. Terrorists kill people. And then Jack Bauer kills those people.

Thanks to The Bored-Again Christian and AstroChimp!

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